


crush crusher

by jeyne



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Drug Addiction, Euphoria AU, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-27 23:33:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20416139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeyne/pseuds/jeyne
Summary: Donghyuck, fresh from rehab after an overdose, is trying to figure out what’s next.





	crush crusher

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY this was such a wild ride.... u dont actually have to watch euphoria to understand the fic but if u did, u will get a lot of references!!! 
> 
> this is for egg <3 the euphoria au most loyal supporter  
and for mal thank u so much for betaing!!! luv uuu

If Donghyuck knows something about addictions, it's that they can be picky and everywhere. There's sugar, pills and sex. But the few things that can compare to analgesics, chocolate or orgasms could never compare to the real deal: _ drugs. _ Some people do _ hardcore _ shit like cocaine or MDMA. Some people are _ sick or something _ and they go for antidepressants or sleeping pills. But at the end everyone is addicted to something. Donghyuck likes _ pain-relievers. _ Opioids. He tried morphine for the first time when he was twelve on a hospital bed for a broken bone, and that was when he realized morphine-like effects were the closest to happiness, at sixteen he became addicted to vicodin. But honestly, the best Donghyuck ever had was fentanyl. 

Nothing in this world compares to fentanyl. Except Jeno. Jeno is the closest thing. If he had to choose between fentanyl and Jeno, Donghyuck would choose Jeno. Jeno’s smile. Jeno’s eyes. Jeno’s hand on Donghyuck’s lower back, Jeno’s fingers absently tracing Donghyuck’s neck. Jeno’s lips. Jeno’s lips rolling over Donghyuck’s lips. Like right now, Jeno’s hand on Donghyuck’s hair. Jeno’s body pressed against Donghyuck’s. Jeno, Jeno, Jeno. 

Donghyuck wonders how he could have even bothered doing drugs when all what he was looking for is in Jeno’s lips. But Jeno pulls them away from each other and for a moment Donghyuck can’t breathe. He opens his eyes and looks at Jeno laying beside him, his lips are covered in spit. Donghyuck’s spit. Jeno is looking back at him with incredible dark eyes. “I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.” Donghyuck nods, feeling like he desperately needs to keep kissing Jeno or else he will die. 

Jeno sits on the bed, not facing him. “I can’t keep doing this.”

Donghyuck has never felt more scared in his life. “What?”

“You,” Jeno looks back, hiding his shaking palms. “I don’t know what kind of sick unhealthy coping mechanism are you trying to use with me but I can’t keep going on with this.”

“I’m not doing anything.” Donghyuck moves to sit next to Jeno, he tries to grab one of his hands but Jeno quickly shoves them away.

“Donghyuck, I don't want to be around you if you don't stop using drugs.” Jeno wets his lips, it takes everything in Donghyuck’s world not to kiss him again. He’s about to say, _ I’ll stop. I promise. I’m sorry. _ But then Jeno speaks again. “I’m in love with you.”

For once in his life, Donghyuck has nothing to say. He stares dumbly, making sure if he had heard right, processing the words._ Love. _“What?”

That’s all it takes for Jeno to rise and walk through the door. Donghyuck swears he hears himself scream _ wait! Jeno, come back _ but he couldn't be sure because that's when he starts to feel _ numb. _

—

The numbness lasts for days. In the meanwhile, Donghyuck sends 72 messages to Jeno, all of them remain unanswered. The 18th pill of vicodin leads him to overdose. And that’s when things get fucked up. Next thing he knows, he’s on the hospital with his mother and sister. When he finally gets out, her mother tells him he has to go to rehab, and that’s where he stays for the last three months.

—

When Donghyuck comes back the first thing he does is go to Renjun. Sicheng’s pet. They work in a trashy gas station while maintaining their illegal businesses. He finds Renjun watching TV behind the cash register, exhaling smoke from his vaper. He doesn’t do cigarettes because cigarettes are for depressed people. 

“I thought your ass was dead.” He says not even looking away from the screen. What Donghyuck loves about Renjun is that he is truly and completely dead inside. 

“Well, bitch. Sorry to disappoint.” Donghyuck pats Renjun’s arm. 

Renjun stares at his face. The thing about people who are dead inside is that they can’t really show feelings. “I missed you.”

“Really?” Donghyuck raises one eyebrow. Renjun blows. 

“No,” Renjun snorts. “But, how you feeling?”

“I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, things have been, like, really good.” Renjun looks up, narrowing his eyes. 

“Wow, drug addicts are so funny.”

“Just give me my shit.” Then, Renjun disappears for a few minutes in a room. Then, he comes back with Donghyuck’s pills. “That’ll be 120.”

“Uh, Sicheng said he'd spot me.” Donghyuck takes his pills and winks. 

“Sicheng don't spot nobody.” Renjun leans on the counter and blows smoke on his face.

“It's a post-rehab discount, you should ask him.”

“I will go ask him, ‘cause I know you're full of shit.” 

Donghyuck blows him a kiss as an answer but he stops dead when he hears. “Jeno got a girlfriend, you know.”

“What?” Renjun might have found something really hilarious in his reaction because he’s now smiling like a serial-killer. Other thing about dead people; they don’t care about anyone’s feelings.

“Yeah, she’s all pretty and thin. Her name is like _ Yenu.” _

“Yeeun.” Donghyuck bites back. 

“So, you know her.” 

“Jeno has liked her since I can remember.” 

“Good for him then.”

Yeeun. Of course, Donghyuck knows Yeeun. Jeno’s first girlcrush and probably the only one. He can totally understand why Jeno would chose her, she’s older, which makes her sexier, she has a small waist where Jeno could perfectly wrap his arms around and Donghyuck’s sure she’s also the right height for Jeno to give her forehead kisses. She’s everything Donghyuck is not. But most important of all, she’s one-hundred percent _ clean. _

He crushes the bag of chips in his hand and gets a text from Jaemin. 

_ **heard ure back, party at lees tonite dont miss it xo** _

—

The truth is Donghyuck never was a good person. A good son or a good friend. When he was a kid he used to steal his friend’s toys and break them. He cheated on exams, insulted a few teachers, fought with a guy in PE for calling him a _ freak. _At the age of ten he was diagnosed with ADHD. They prescribed him adderall and he was okay for a while. He met Jeno when he was eleven. His mother didn’t like him because she said he was “too soft”. What she meant was that he was too good for Donghyuck.

He still goes to Mark Lee’s party.

By the time Donghyuck sees Jeno he’s already crossfaded. Jeno’s wearing a sleeveless shirt and ripped jeans. All black. There’s no Yeeun. Jaemin says something in Jeno’s ear and his face wrinkles on a smile. Donghyuck’s heart shrinks as he realizes how much he really missed him. 

Donghyuck gets up so fast from the couch he gets dizzy. He bumps a couple of people trying to get out of the house. He’s walking through the grass when he hears him. 

“Hyuck, wait!” Donghyuck turns around, Jeno is standing on the porch. The sight makes him feel stricken. “You’re back.”

“Yeah.” He looks anywhere but Jeno.

“I missed you.” It’s too much. Jeno walks slowly to stand in front of him.

“Me too, man.” Donghyuck shakes his head, avoiding Jeno’s eyes. He feels the tears begin to well up behind his eyes. 

“Are you going home already?”

“Yes, I drank too much.” Jeno chuckles and his shoulders jolt as well. Donghyuck nods, and starts walking away but Jeno is quick to grab his arm.

“Wait, do you want me to go with you?” Jeno starts saying, “I mean, you’re really wasted and I don’t want something bad to happen to you now that you're back.”

_ No, say no. _“Yes, sure.”

Jeno doesn’t go when they arrive to Donghyuck’s house. In fact, they get to his bedroom and Donghyuck changes to his PJ or tries to. Jeno helps him take out his pants while they laugh. Donghyuck knows Jeno knows he’s high right now, but maybe he’s pretending not to know. They get in bed and Donghyuck buries his face on Jeno’s chest, he smells of his familiar cologne. Though Donghyuck hates men’s perfume because they tend to smell like cat piss, Jeno makes it work. He finds it reassuring even. Because he smells like home.

—

Donghyuck comes back to high school and things have been_ good_. Kind of. He sits with Jeno and Yeeun at lunch. He doesn't hate it, Yeeun is nice. He still gets high though and he lies about being clean on NA. He’s staring at his plate trying to remember when was the last time he took vicodin, was it two days ago? Three?

“Donghyuck, are you okay?” Yeeun asks with worry in her doe-eyes. Donghyuck hasn’t touched his food. 

“Yeah, I’m just not hungry.” He feels like he hasn’t slept in days.

“Do you want a chocolate bar? I have one in my bag.” Donghyuck looks up, both Jeno and Yeeun are staring at him, Jeno’s face makes him feel guilty.

“Yes, that would be amazing.” 

He’s trying, he’s really trying. 

—

Everyone had a crush on Mark Lee once in their lifetime. Fuck, Jeno was in love with him for months. Mark is the captain of the football team, certified bi-curious and really, like really, fucking rich. He has a _ thing _with Renjun too, so it means there are always drugs on his house. That’s why Donghyuck says yes when he asks him to hang out.

“I only have cannabis, though.” Mark says closing the front door of his house.

“Fuck, why is that?” Donghyuck fakes disappointed, but really if he wanted to get morphine-high he would have stayed at home.

“Renjun broke up with me.” Mark shrugs.

“Ah, shit.” 

“Whatever.”

Mark heads him to his room, they roll joints until they get bored. He watches Mark smoke two, Donghyuck falls asleep on the desk.

—

“Are you hanging out with Mark now?” Jeno asks on the floor. Donghyuck is laying on Jeno’s bed with his head hanging off the border with Jeno’s face inches away.

“Yeah?” Donghyuck turns around, Jeno still looks pretty in this upside down sight.

“Do you like him?” Jeno looks back.

“Are you serious?” 

“Are you doing drugs with him then?”

“What the fuck, Jeno.” Donghyuck sits up on the bed, he kind of feels like he got punched in the guts. 

“You are, I know you are.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Can you blame me for not trusting you?” 

“Fuck you.” Donghyuck gets up and slams the door as he leaves. He only starts crying when the door is closed.

—

Donghyuck has been clean for thirteen days, and this time it’s for real. He realizes he works better out of anger. He’s furious with Jeno, that’s why he’s been spending more time with Mark. 

“I always thought I would have sex with you.” Donghyuck looks at the NASA poster stuck on the ceiling. Mark snorts and chokes on a laugh. He’s high.

“What happened?” They’re laying in on Mark’s bed. Donghyuck has his foot on the wall, Mark has his hanging on the other side of the bed. 

“I fell in love.” Donghyuck says with a sigh.

Mark laughs again, his laughter is bubbling and it reminds Donghyuck of the drunk elephants on Dumbo. “That sucks, they didn’t like you back?”

“No, he’s in love with me actually.” Donghyuck chuckles at the irony of it all. “He just hates that I’m a junkie.”

—

Donghyuck’s mom screams that Jeno is here. He puts his phone down quickly and sits on the bed, he faces Jeno when he comes in. He looks afflicted.

“I don’t want to fight with you.” Jeno says and his voice breaks a little, Donghyuck runs to him. “I’m sorry, I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. And, you know, you just can't be mad at me for wanting you to be okay.”

“I’m not mad at you.” Donghyuck cups Jeno’s face on his hands. His heart twists when he realizes Jeno’s been close to tears. “Don’t cry, please.”

“Sorry, I just_—_” Donghyuck hugs him so incredibly hard they stumble for balance, he feels all his organs get smashed by Jeno’s arms. “I’m not doing drugs with Mark, I swear.”

Jeno lets out something in between a sob and a laugh, Donghyuck presses their foreheads together. “You’re such a mess.”

“No, you are.”

Donghyuck lifts his hand and brushes his fingers behind Jeno’s ear and then across his cheek in a tender manner. Jeno’s eyes are full of disorientation. It all happens in seconds, Jeno rushes forward and kisses him on the mouth, Donghyuck doesn’t have time to process or even kiss back when Jeno already pulls away. 

“I’m sorry—” Jeno’s hands stop touching him, Jeno moves away from him. Donghyuck doesn't just feel heartbroken, it's more like all his organs are bleeding inside of him, he tries to walk towards Jeno but he cuts him, whispering. “I have to go.”

Donghyuck stands, watching him leave, wondering what are the symptoms of an internal hemorrhage.

—

It all starts in Spring of last year. Donghyuck knows it by the looks Jeno gives him, by the way he reaches for Donghyuck like he craves it. And Donghyuck likes it, he likes the attention, the feeling of being _ wanted. _

Donghyuck lays on the grass of the campus playing video games on his phone and blasting trap on his headphones when he feels a looming shadow over him. When Donghyuck can finally see Jeno’s face behind the rays of sunshine, he smiles. It's normal, Jeno usually finds Donghyuck all alone on the grass. They usually just lay there listening to music until classes start. Sometimes Donghyuck grabs Jeno’s sweaty hand and interlace his fingers just to see his reaction. 

“You look nice.” Donghyuck says and he does, Jeno’s wearing a denim jacket, jeans and a white shirt. When he sits next to him, he also notices that Jeno smells nice too, like fresh morning grass. So typical of him, he accepts the compliment with a shy smile.

Donghyuck lays down again waiting for Jeno to do the same. He does, of course. They’re shoulder to shoulder. Donghyuck turns around to face him, “Can I ask you a question?”

Jeno adjusts himself so he could face Donghyuck too. The grass tickles their faces. “Yeah.”

Donghyuck looks down at Jeno’s lips for a few seconds, then at his eyes. He shouldn’t be asking this, but he really wants to know. “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” 

Jeno blinks twice and his lips make a thin line. He looks down. “Can I kiss you?”

Donghyuck can feel his heart beating faster. “I’m just saying that if it’s what you want, you can.”

Jeno breathes through his nose. “But do you want _ me _to kiss you?”

Donghyuck stays quiet for a moment, just staring at Jeno, biting his lip and avoiding Donghyuck’s eyes. He puts a hand on Jeno’s chin and makes him look at his eyes. 

“I want you—” Jeno’s soft eyes snap open, “to wanna kiss me so bad” Donghyuck whispers everything in Jeno’s lips, “that you don’t even ask.” 

Then, Donghyuck pulls away and waits. Jeno looks nervous, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, his chest rising with every breath. They stay in a lingering silence. Jeno doesn’t say or do anything, but Donghyuck was expecting it. 

Donghyuck sits up, he says trying to kill the tension, “Forget it, let’s go.” He takes Jeno’s hand and rises him up. They walk to class. Jeno’s hands are sweating.

—

Do you know what’s better than drugs? Jeno _ and _drugs. 

Jeno barges into Donghyuck’s room a week later. It’s kind of a bad moment because the vicodin was starting to hit on Donghyuck’s system. He’s standing near the desk when Jeno walks over to him, flips him around and takes Donghyuck’s face in his hands, and _ kisses _ him. Thanks to the drug he was already feeling drowsy and hot inside, so when he meets Jeno’s lips so incredibly soft, he couldn't help but to open his mouth, Jeno licks all over his lips and sucks it. Fuck, he never thought kissing Jeno would feel like this. _ It’s the drug, it’s the drug. _ Jeno places his hands pass Donghyuck’s hips to his thighs and rises him up to sit him on the desk. He cups Donghyuck’s cheeks and says. 

“I’m kissing you.” Jeno lets out a hot sigh that brushes Donghyuck lips.

“Keep going.” Donghyuck pulls Jeno’s hair hard and connects their lips more forcefully this time. Donghyuck lets out a quiet moan and Jeno bites into it. The room fills with the obscenely smackings of their lips and tongues. Jeno depends on the last kiss. It’s sweet and tender, and Jeno’s thumbs softly draws circles into Donghyuck’s cheeks. When Jeno pulls away, both of their mouth and chins are covered in saliva. They stare at each other, panting. Donghyuck can only hear the _ boom _of his heart. Then, coyly Jeno wipes his hand on Donghyuck’s mouth to clean him up. It’s so stupidly sweet, Donghyuck starts laughing. Jeno’s ears turn lovely red. Donghyuck kisses him one last time, before wiping his saliva from Jeno’s mouth.

Donghyuck could’ve say he was close to euphoria. Donghyuck never tasted anything sweeter than Jeno’s lips. He couldn't get enough.

—

_ **please can we just pretend it never happened?** _

—

Jeno and Yeeun never really kissed that much in public, Donghyuck knows Jeno has never been into PDA and Yeeun seems the same too. They give each other soft pecks and grab hands, and Jeno wraps his arm around her waist. Donghyuck’s sitting on the back of the class staring at them, Yeeun has her head on Jeno’s shoulder and Donghyuck must be some kind of pervert because he starts to imagine them _ fucking. _He wonders if Jeno would be rough with her, but Donghyuck knows that’s just not how Jeno does things.

Jeno lost his virginity at fourteen and he was too excited to last too much. Then, he got practice because he was embarrassed about it, they were mostly hookups at parties, some of them were bad but some of them were _ good. _Then, he fucked Jaemin or Jaemin fucked him. Donghyuck wouldn't know because when he asked Jeno, his face turned red and he changed the subject. Donghyuck never fucked Jeno.

But in their making-out sessions, he learned what he liked. Jeno likes it slow, but he’s too impatient or eager to wait. He likes to be held or being held. He likes to be touched too, every part of his body twitching at the slightest contact. He likes neck kisses and he likes not having control. He likes tongue, lots of it. And wet noises. He likes biting and having his hair messed up. But then, he would stop in the middle of the kiss, look at Donghyuck in the eyes and smile with so much _ tenderness. _Donghyuck would feel a thousand supernovas exploding in his stomach.

Jaemin’s hand on his thigh pulls him out of his daydream. Donghyuck jolts and drops his pencil on the floor, Jaemin smiles because he noticed the bulge on his crotch.

When the bell rings, Donghyuck takes Jaemin by the hand and drags him out of the classroom. He guides him to the boy’s bathroom and smashes him against one of the cubicles’ door. 

“Are you gonna suck my dick?” Jaemin’s eyes and smile are totally salacious.

“Not this time, pretty boy.” Donghyuck makes him bend down on his knees.

Donghyuck must totally be some kind of pervert because he comes loud and aggressive with the thought of Jeno sucking his dick instead. Jaemin wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Wow, never thought drug addict’s semen would taste this bitter.”

“You’re really so fucking weird, Jaemin.” 

—

Donghyuck doesn’t notice the blood until it touches his upper lip. Unconsciously, his tongue catches the drop and it tastes metallic, raw.

“Dude, your nose is bleeding.” He hears Mark say, Donghyuck turns and looks around, he’s in the classroom, some people are staring. He brings his hand to his nose quickly, the warm blood slips through his fingers. 

Donghyuck runs to the bathroom, missing the odd looks of his classmates and teacher. The blood is slipping, dripping. He reaches the sink and stares at his reflection, paralyzed. Red, red, red. 

He looks rusted, sickening, his face _ rotten. _Donghyuck lets the faucet running, cold water washing his hot blood away. He manages to clean it all, face and hands. He tilts his head up, taking a deep breath. 

The bathroom’s door opens. _ Jeno. _Donghyuck feels him before he sees him.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Donghyuck stares at him for a long time, in a dead heartbreaking silence.

_ “Go away.” _ Donghyuck snaps, sharply. He turns around not to look at him, it’s not a face he wants to see right now, but it’s also the _ only _face he wants to see all the time. Lowering his head made the blood drip again, he splashes water on his face and looks up pressing his fingers on his nose. Jeno stands still, clenching fists. His presence drowning Donghyuck.

“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck huffs, anger creeping up inside his guts. He turns around wanting to punch Jeno, he stands still taking a hard deep breath. 

“Why are you sorry?” He says gritting his teeth. 

“I—” Jeno’s breath cuts short. There’s so much fury in Donghyuck’s eyes right now. 

Donghyuck purses his lips, his voice comes like the taste of his blood,_ toxic. _ “Leave me the _ fuck _alone, Jeno.”

—

When Donghyuck tries fentanyl for the first time, it's also the last time. It was the happiest day of his life, until he finds himself in Jeno’s bed trying to doze out the effects. The man who traffics the drugs to Sicheng offers the opioid in a Swiss knife. He drops on the couch almost immediately, the effect is so intense. Like a paralyzing blissness. 

After that everything is blurry, he hears a raspy deep laugh, he sees people moving in the room, money, a phone in Renjun’s hand. Donghyuck couldn’t feel his arms and legs, he couldn’t even feel his eyes. He doesn't feel pain, not even a little.

Sicheng carries him to the car, Donghyuck sinks into the feeling. Weightless, warm, free. He lays on the backseat of the car, resting on someone’s legs. Feeling soft fingers ruffing in his hair. There's something familiar about those hands he can't pinpoint at that moment. Donghyuck closes his eyes, but he sees, he sees his sister dancing ballet in the living room, he hears his mother singing and laughing. He listens to his dad, saying _ I’m proud of you. _

“I’m so happy.” He mumbles and falls into unconsciousness. 

Donghyuck snaps back to reality like something piercing him inside. It's all confusion first; the bed, the room, the body next to him. Eyes looking at him in the moonlight.

“Jeno?” His voice is barely a weak whisper. Jeno lifts his hand to softly caress Donghyuck’s cheek. His eyes are dark, his face looks so strange. _ Void. _But his touch, his touch is tender.

“Hyuck, you have to stop.” It pain has a voice, it sounds like this. “You have to stop trying to fucking kill yourself.”

It's frail, he knows it, but it's true. “I didn't mean to do this.”

“But you did it.”

—

“What the fuck, man? What do you mean Sicheng won’t sell me drugs anymore?” Donghyuck barks aggressively to be heard from the other side of the closed door.

“Not today, man.” He hears from the other side.

“What the actual fuck, Renjun.” Donghyuck pounds the door hard. “Open the fucking door. Not funny, man.” 

“You can’t come it.”

Donghyuck huffs. “Look, man, all I need is just, like, a few OCs.”

“Sorry, I can’t help you.” 

“Renjun, stop playing around.” Donghyuck hits so heavily and repeatedly the door his palms start to hurt. “I’m not in the fucking mood, open the _ fucking _door!”

“I'm sorry, but you can't be coming over here no more.”

Donghyuck feels tears welling in his eyes, his body shaking furiously. “Please open the door, please. I’m begging you.”

“Just go home.” 

“Renjun, open the goddamn door! Fuck you!”

“I can’t do it, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck is not himself right now, he knows it. His voice is becoming louder and desperate. _ Bang. Bang. Bang. _“Listen, my life is fucking ruined right now! The least you could do is open the goddamn door! I'm fucking serious.”

“I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck keeps banging the door until he collapses on the floor. No one hears him. 

Open the door. Open the door. Open the door. 

Open the door. 

_ Open the door. _

—

Donghyuck takes a good sip of the chocolate milkshake before saying, “You know, my dad died when I was really young, so I don’t remember much of him. I know he was a good man. I sometimes dream of him, my therapist said I do it because he’s like some type of ideal bullshit. He was really calm and patient, and I mean I can’t really concentrate too much at something for too long, it’s like I get this extreme obsession and then it just…_ vanishes. _You know, maybe it’s related like—Mark, are you even listening to me?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry.” Mark looks up from his watermelon milkshake. “But, like… what’s the point?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and sinks deeper into the cushion. 

“Are you, like, okay? Why did you call me?”

“I didn't really have anybody else to call.”

Mark crooks his eyebrow, prompting to go on. “Okay, like Jeno _ kissed _ me. And he—he broke my heart, y’know? Because he’s with Yeeun, but then he kissed me, he did and then he left, he told me to pretend it never happened, Mark! And I screamed at him. I don’t understand why wouldn’t he choose me, well I _ do. _ But, I wish he would choose me, I just want him to choose me.”

Mark nods, staying quiet for a long time, then he asks. “Does the way you feel about him reminds you of anything?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, like the obsession, the feelings, the…” 

Donghyuck completes, _ “Drugs?” _

Mark’s face softens with something like pity. Donghyuck tries to answer, not looking at him.

“He’s not— that’s not _ it.” _

Mark sighs. 

—

Donghyuck walks to Jeno’s house like it’s muscle memory. It’s late and he told his mom that he will be staying at Jeno’s for the night. If Jeno doesn’t kick him out though. He steps in front of Jeno’s window. And he catches a glimpse of him, walking around in his sleeveless shirt, sweatpants and glasses. Donghyuck knocks the glass. Jeno grabs him with his strong arms to help him to come in. Donghyuck almost stumbles with Seolie in his entrance. 

“Hey—”

“I’m sorry for screaming at you.” Donghyuck rushes his words. 

“You don’t have to apologize, you’re right to be mad at me.” Jeno justifies. “It’s okay if you hate me.”

Donghyuck walks over the bed and lays there, “Jeno, there’s possibly nothing you could do for me to hate you.”

Jeno sits next to him and starts petting his messy hair, and he has a sad smile on his face, a smile that makes Donghyuck confess. “I’m _ so _ tired, man. I really want to fall asleep in your arms.”

—

Donghyuck wakes up listening to the beat of Jeno’s heart. Steady and comforting. One arm over his chest, Donghyuck flips placing his head on Jeno’s arm and stares at the ceiling. Aware of how Jeno is awake too. Donghyuck bites his lip and feels hot inside, too hot inside. Then, he turns around because he can feel Jeno’s eyes on him.

“Hey.” A shy smile appears on Donghyuck’s face. 

“Hey.” Jeno’s face looks like he has been thinking hard about something but then it suddenly softens, and he brings his hand to brush Donghyuck’s bangs and keep it there over his cheek while his thumb slightly strokes his face. 

Donghyuck feels stellar. Heart beating uncontrollably, he places his hand on Jeno’s hips, getting goosebumps just at having Jeno in front of him. It takes nothing, actually. Like a drug getting in your system, consuming you inside. And taking all you have and love to replace it for something better than anything you have ever had. 

It takes nothing for Donghyuck to lean in and kiss Jeno, and he feels like his belly gets slit in half because Jeno kisses back. Donghyuck presses himself closer to his body, so close it hurts. Their legs get tangled, Jeno’s fingers bury in his hair and his kisses make Donghyuck feel dizzy. They roll over and Jeno gets on top of him, gasping and pulling apart to breathe just for a few seconds.

Jeno feels heavy on top of him and it takes his breath away_. _ Donghyuck wraps his arms around him and his legs around him. Jeno’s hand makes him shiver as it slides down of him, he didn’t even notice he got hard until now. When Jeno grabs him, it feels so intense he lets out a shaky gasp. It doesn’t feel like getting high, it’s more sudden and intense, his body halts because Jeno is touching _ him, _touching him in a way he has never touched him before. 

_ “Jen—” _Jeno latches at his neck and starts to bite it and suck it, while his hand jerks him off like he’s trying to drive him into total madness. Donghyuck’s back arches off the bed and he grips into Jeno’s shoulders in a way that’s not fully painless. 

“Oh, God.” Donghyuck presses his head against the mattress as hard as he can, letting out a really loud moan when his orgams hits violently. _ “Fuck.” _

Donghyuck tries to control the spasms that come to his body after he releases, Jeno breathes heavily against his neck. Donghyuck is panting, taking deep calming breaths to slow his heaving chest. Afterwards, Jeno untangles himself from him, agitated, and then sits on the edge of the bed clenching his fists.

Donghyuck straightens getting near Jeno. He feels a lump in his throat when he looks at Jeno slightly shaking. “What’s—what’s wrong?”

“This wasn't right. I shouldn’t have done that.” Jeno sniffles a sob, his voice becomes unstable and full of regret. 

“No, _ please. _Don't.” Donghyuck feels the afterwards of using drugs. Ugly, painful, horrible. “Jeno, I—”

“I have a _ girlfriend, _ Donghyuck.” The words come like knives tearing him open. Suddenly, he’s unable to control the tears. 

“Break up with her.” Donghyuck pleas.

“What? Hyuck— _ no.” _Jeno faces him and it’s terrible, everything is terrible. 

“Break up with her. You don’t love her.” Jeno stands up and starts walking away, Donghyuck follows him right after, gripping his arm hard. 

“Don’t say that.” 

“You are in love with _ me.” _Donghyuck’s voice has never reached this level of impotence. “Jeno, please.”

Jeno stops dead, looking at him. Donghyuck feels the tears rolling down. “I know what I did to you was wrong, I was selfish, I used you. I didn’t care about what I was doing to you, because when I was with you I felt happy, nothing mattered to me when we were kissing.”

Donghyuck thinks about the drugs, the overdose, the days spent in rehab. “And I hurt you. I’m sorry, Jeno. I will never do that to you again, but you’re really breaking my heart right now.”

Then, the room fills with sullen silence. If overdose couldn’t kill Donghyuck, he’s sure getting his heart broken by Jeno will. His breath cuts short, Jeno’s shoulders drop, he looks at him like he’s already dead. Mourning his death. Jeno speaks for the last time in a low voice. “You should just go, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck finds himself walking away into the scary daylight, with quick steps then galloping steps, running, running, running.

—

Donghyuck has been sober for exactly three months and six days. Honestly, he never thought he'd make it this far, and even less to go to the school's winter formal. He’s applying a dark red eyeshadow over his eyelids, trying to do a smokey eyes effect. So animalistic and fierce, like fire, a volcano, like the one in his heart. There's also glitter slashed all over his face like a chaotic supernova. 

“Do you have a date?” His mother asks when Donghyuck walks out of the bathroom.

“No.” 

Donghyuck turns to face himself one last time in the mirror. “Do you think this makeup makes me look stupid?”

“No, not in the least.”

—

The ball is neon, sparkly. The lightning is blue and blinding, and it appears so much like a nightmare. Donghyuck is leaning against a wall when sees Yeeun enter with a sequin rainbow dress. She’s holding hands with Jeno. The colorful dress accentuates her lean figure, blonde hair reaching her jaw and shocking red lipstick. But the most vivid thing of her look are her eyes, a glitter blue eyeshadow being very polished.

Jeno follows behind her with a fair serene expression. His face sharpened by his fine features, perfect and mysterious. And the single black tear painted under his eye brings a whole subtle and emotive light at his face.

Jeno’s eyes meet Donghyuck and it’s a gunshot, cataclysmic. Donghyuck watches them dance for a while, a sensual pop hypnotic song playing in the background. And Donghyuck feels like he’s drowning in a dream. How their eyes meet every time is sick, but Donghyuck won’t look away because there’s guilt in Jeno’s eyes. Donghyuck smiles.

Jeno halts to a complete stop and whispers something to Yeeun’s ear, he walks towards Donghyuck on a straight line. 

“Can we talk?”

“You’re _ sick.” _Donghyuck grimaces.

“I know, but can we talk?”

“Fine."

They get outside, the night is dark and slutty and totally despicable. 

Jeno stands in front of him and says, “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Donghyuck looks at the moon, “Are you in love with Yeeun?”

“Yes.” He wishes it wouldn't have hurt this bad.

“Are you in love with me?” Donghyuck looks at Jeno. 

“Yes.”

Donghyuck hums and walks off into the night. Without Jeno. The world goes black and silent like everything has lost its color and taste. He finds the hidden pill inside his little sister’s ballerina music box. Donghyuck imagines he’s taking the drug from Jeno’s tongue. 

Blackout. Snapshot. Music. Snapshot. Mom, sister and dad. Snapshot. Euphoria. 

**Author's Note:**

> *hyuck having a performance mv breakdance with his glitter makeup and singing all for us*
> 
> [makeup/looks](https://twitter.com/girlbetray/status/1161422593603330048?s=19) thread


End file.
